I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
