My Higher Power is John Stamos
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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