i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
