woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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