i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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