I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
