He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
