Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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