We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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