I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
