u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
