Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
