she looked like the before picture.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
