I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The best revenge is premature balding
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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