Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
