I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
