so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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