Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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