His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
pop tarts are not kleenex
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
