I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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