he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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