its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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