not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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