Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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