new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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