Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
