On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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