I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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