Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
