My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
