Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
