How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He passed out mid-signature
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
