You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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