I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
