Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
