the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
