I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
