just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
