woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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