Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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