so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
