My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
