we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
