this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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