i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
