I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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