The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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