i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He did a backflip because drugs
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
