Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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