I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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