1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
