I'm lost and stupid without you.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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